Changes I
by milford
Summary: After Gunther's shooting, life is full of changes for Starsky and Hutch. This story is complete, but continues in Changes II which will be uploaded shortly. Both have appeared on this site before but are being reposted.


CHANGES - I

The characters don't belong to me, they are being borrowed for entertainment purposes only. No profit is being made.

By Milford

CHAPTER 1

STARSKY

As I drove to my partner's place, I tried to brace myself for what I knew would be a huge fight. I was trying to work out the best way to handle the situation. Whatever I said, however I said it, it boiled down to one thing. Hutch wouldn't like it and would go ballistic. There was no easy way to make this sound better than it was, and any attempts to do so, would further enrage my partner and best friend. I hated this, but then I hated so much of my life now. I know I should be grateful that I was still alive and I was, but it wasn't easy trying to rebuild a life after such a mess. I couldn't call it an accident, for there was nothing accidental about what happened to me, but it was a mess. I now had a way which I hoped would help

me to regain the control that I feared was lost long ago. I had to make Hutch understand but was scared that my attempts to do so would result in a big argument, that in turn would result in me saying things that I

shouldn't. I loved my partner, he'd been my lifeline during my long and painful recovery from the shooting, but somehow, somewhere along the line, I felt like I'd lost my independence and this scared me. I was scared a lot these days, a month into my return to the streets.

The day that had changed my life forever had started out like every other day. There had been no sign, no inkling, of the events that were about to occur. I'd been running late, as usual, and we played ping pong in the office. Okay, that was different, but we often messed around. After Dobey caught us, we decided it might be a good time to hit the streets and walked out to the Torino. Every thing was calm, until all hell broke loose. Most of the events that followed were mercifully a blur. The sound of gun fire and the pain, oh God the pain, as the bullets tore into my body. A vague memory of a heartfelt cry to me. It was Hutch and I wanted to reach out to him but couldn't. My body didn't feel like it belonged to me any more and I

couldn't move. Sirens, shouting, squealing brakes were the sounds I heard before I lost consciousness. I was told later that I'd died, that my heart had stopped, but somehow I'd beaten the odds again. The miracle, that was who I was. Some miracle!

I remember waking up and seeing Hutch, looking old and tired, and when the numbness wore off the pain was excruciating. Nothing mattered at that time, except Hutch. He was all I could focus on, the relief and joy I had seen in his face as I woke up. I swear that I would simply have closed my eyes and slipped away if it hadn't been for him. It would have been the easiest solution and perhaps if I'd known what was ahead of me, I would have. No I wouldn't, for I couldn't leave Hutch, despite the long days of pain that I endured. Somehow we'd both got through them, and Hutch eventually moved back into his own apartment, and I returned to desk duty. Hutch had been partnered with a couple of officers but I knew he was waiting for me to come back. Part of me was glad about that, and part of me regretted it for I wasn't sure I wanted to go back. It was strange how we never talked about it, never discussed what would happen. We, who could talk about anything to each other, never sat down and discussed the shooting, or what it meant to us. Not the way we should have anyway. There never seemed to be any doubt that I'd return to the streets, once I was fit that is. I passed the psychological tests, although I'm not sure how. Perhaps I wasn't as full of doubts then as I was now, I don't know. It all sort of happened and here we were, a month after I was declared fit for street duty. All should have been well, but it wasn't and I was about to go into battle against my best friend.

CHAPTER 2

Starsky

I knew there was no nice way to wrap this up and the best I could hope for was damage control, try to hold on to my temper and make Hutch realise how important this was to me. If only life didn't change, if only we could go back to how we were but I shouldn't go down that road. My entire life seemed full of "if onlys" these days - if only I hadn't been shot, if only I hadn't had the cardiac arrest and died, and if only I could turn back the clock eighteen months and avoid being in the garage at precisely the wrong time. If only Hutch didn't care so very much about me. No, I had to pull myself up at that thought. Hutch was the best thing in my life and the fact that he loved and supported me so much was a blessing I wasn't at all sure I deserved. He'd given up his life to help me with the long recovery and had only shown me utmost care and love during my days of depression and irritability. If he hadn't been there for and with me, I wouldn't have made it back, wouldn't have wanted to. It had been Hutch's strength and determination to hold on that had made me persist, even when the pain had been so great that I couldn't believe it would ever leave me, or that life could ever be normal again. Somehow our friendship and partnership had survived. The lead up to the shooting had seen some rough times for us and we'd got back on track when Gunther made his attempt and now, if anything, we were closer than ever. I definitely couldn't doubt how much he cared

about me.

Part of my struggle was that I hated changes and this entire incident had changed my life forever. You'd have thought that the shooting would make me realise what was important and it had in a way. It had made me realise just how much I valued my old life, the life that I'd shared with my partner and best friend. I also knew that it could never be the same. It was now time to move forward and not fight the inevitable any more, for our circumstances had altered forever.

For something good had come out of my ordeal and Hutch was getting married in three weeks time. He'd met Louise, one of my nurses, and had fallen in love with her. I liked Louise, although there were times I felt she'd prefer it if I wasn't around. It was a nebulous feeling that I couldn't really pinpoint, but I always felt I had to be on my best behaviour around her. All I wanted was for Hutch to be happy and if she could make that happen, then that was fine. On the surface, it seemed as if she could. She accepted our erratic hours and the fact that he was a cop. She'd been an ICU nurse during my extended hospital stay and seemed like a good match for Hutch. I was delighted for him but it highlighted the mess that my own life

had become. I didn't have anyone, except Hutch, I was working in a job that I no longer had the confidence that I could deal with. The thought of being shot again sent shivers down my spine, but the thought that made me really ill, was that Hutch would have to endure what I had gone through. I

didn't know whether I could back Hutch up like he needed, and I didn't know how to find the answers. I didn't want to wait until a shootout, as I couldn't afford to risk his life. I didn't know what to do - until this

undercover assignment came up. This seemed to be the perfect opportunity to find out whether I could still function as a cop or not. The best part of it for me, and the part that would make it extremely unpalatable for Hutch, was that it was an assignment for me alone. Alone and in Las Vegas. There

was no doubt in my mind that Hutch wasn't going to like this, not one little bit.

HUTCH

I had no premonition of disaster that Saturday. In fact life seemed to be going very well for me, which should have perhaps alerted me to the fact that a curve ball would soon be thrown my way. I had got through the single worst period of my life, watching my partner and best friend get shot down in front of me, "die" and then fight his way back. It had been a very long recovery and there had been days that I didn't think we'd make it. How I hated to see his pain and how I hated fighting his pride to get him to

accept my help. Starsky was a proud and stubborn man but I had my share of stubbornness too and we had somehow got through.

The day of the shooting was etched in my mind and heart forever. The sound of the gun shots, the calling to Starsky but not getting any answer. That is what will stick with me forever. The precise moment that I realised that my best friend had been hit. The ominous silence that greeted my call, is what I'll never be able to forget. I was almost too scared to look but I had to of course. The blood, there was so much of it, and the complete stillness of my very active partner. There had never been any doubt that it was bad and I felt my world crumble around me as I waited for the ambulance. Then the long, seemingly endless wait and the gloomy faces of the medical staff who didn't expect Starsky to live. I had to get the bastards who did

this, who'd destroyed us,I knew I did. Despite the doctors negative attitude, I just had to get out and find them. Dobey's voice on the phone, when he told me I should get back to the hospital, panicked me and I

wondered if I'd made a mistake. I knew I should have been with him, and if he'd died without me being there, I would never have forgiven myself. However, our luck held and my stubborn, strong willed partner wasn't beaten - his heart had stopped but somehow he'd been strong enough to fight back. My wonderful, aggravating partner survived and my world slowly righted itself. I knew it would be a long, dreary recovery but I intended to be there for him and to make sure that he kept fighting. On days he was too

tired to fight, I'd fight for him.

During his stay in hospital, I found myself getting to know the regular nurses who cared for him. In the main, I was just polite to them and nothing more but then Louise came in and I found myself being given drinks and taken care of and I found a very sympathetic ear. I didn't much notice what she looked like but she was there and provided a shoulder for me to cry on, and an ear that I could blast with Starsky tales. I needed to talk about Starsky, explain how much he meant to me and what made him such a special person. It was a welcome release for me, but I don't think I appreciated it until Starsky was released. Louise was just there and I used her as a sounding board. I didn't question her presence, or her thoughtfulness. She'd given me her phone number and told me to call her anytime I needed to talk. She probably realized just what lay ahead for us. I did call her, and found that she called me on occasions, and her concern for Starsky touched me deeply. When we finally started dating, she admitted that it had been my concern and heartbreak over my friend that had caught her attention. Whatever it was, I was grateful and when we did go on our first date, I was only too pleased to notice that she was in fact very pretty. I'd been oblivious to her looks during the crisis as no-one could help me when I thought Starsky would die, and even having to concentrate on getting him back on his feet prevented me from appreciating her as I would have done normally. It was only when I moved back into my apartment that I considered asking her out on a date, for she'd certainly proven to be a useful and life saving outlet for me.

Starsky had known even while he was still in the hospital, that his nurse had an interest in me, but had been too weak to comment on it. However, later at home, when he found out about the phone calls, he had

teased me about making eyes at his nurse when he was on his death bed. I guess my face said it all and Starsky backed down, apologizing. I wasn't angry with him, I was simply devastated and I doubted that the day would ever come when I'd be able to laugh about anything concerning the shooting. It had been too close for me. I knew that Starsky wanted to talk, I almost sensed his need at times, but somehow I thought that not putting it into words would be better. I was wrong, but I hadn't realised yet, just how wrong.

My engagement to Louise happened fairly quickly. We had a spark, we felt we had something special and neither of us saw any point in waiting. I would never learn that big decisions shouldn't be made so lightly, or too near to crisis times. I was to learn this lesson, but hadn't at that point. I still had lessons to learn.

CHAPTER 3

Hutch

I was very happy with Louise, and the fact that she cared about my partner meant the world to me. I believed she did care about him as she asked after him a lot. She asked if he was coming around, of if I was going to see him, and seemed to have a genuine interest in how he was doing. This was very important to me for I could never envisage being involved with someone who didn't like my partner, or who couldn't understand our friendship. I was fortunate enough to have found a woman who had seen us during our worst times and was still hanging in there. I wished that Starsky could relax more with her and didn't really know why he couldn't. I'd only ever seen her warm and friendly with him and assumed that any tension which existed was due to whatever was going on with Starsky himself. For it was more than obvious to me that something was bothering Starsky, his normal cheerfulness and confidence hadn't returned and he seemed to be a lot quieter and more thoughtful. I guessed this was a normal reaction to what he'd been through. I tried to make it clear to him that having Louise in my life didn't mean that he couldn't visit whenever he wanted, or phone whenever he needed. He wasn't distant with me, and the times we had

together were very good, but I could sense he was reserved and when I saw how tired he was looking at times, with the dark circles under his eyes, I knew he was having nightmares again. So was I, but I had Louise to comfort me. Starsky didn't, and as far as I knew, he wasn't dating anyone. He should have leaned on me, as he always had in the past. However, he wasn't, and this both worried and angered me. Louise told me that she had tried to get through to him but hadn't succeeded and I wasn't having much luck either. He no longer barged into my place, he'd always knock and rarely phoned after 10.00 at night. It was killing me, seeing his strained face, but he seemed determined to get through this difficult period on his own. I wasn't going to put up with it for much longer and I knew I couldn't let this continue. As it turned out, it wasn't going to go on for much longer, but I certainly wasn't prepared for the bombshell that was about to be dropped on me.

STARSKY

As I stood on Hutch's doorstep and knocked, I thought again how much things had changed. I didn't begrudge Hutch his happiness for he more than deserved it but I was discovering that his new found happiness was destabilizing to me. I found myself wondering just where I fitted in with the scheme of things. I didn't consider I was losing a partner, but in a way I was. I was working in a job that I wasn't confident I could handle any more, and it had been a long time between girls. The scars on my chest

and abdomen horrified me and I wasn't prepared to risk dating, not while I was still feeling so insecure anyway. The thought of a woman being repulsed by the scars, and hence me, scared me too, and I'd made no attempt to start the dating game again for I couldn't handle the thought of rejection. I hadn't admitted this to Hutch, but there was quite a lot that I hadn't admitted to him.

The nightmares, which had returned in force, were terrifying with their strength and realism. I'd suffered a lot of them during my recovery, then they'd abated somewhat, but I found that with my return to the streets,

they'd come back to haunt my nights. Once I would have called Hutch, any time, to share them, but Louise's presence in his life prevented me from doing this. I could see Hutch was bothered about this, and Louise made attempts to make me relax, but I couldn't. As much as I liked Louise, and I guess I did really, even though I wasn't 100 sure she liked me, and loved Hutch, I couldn't bring myself to lean on them. Louise was always a lot warmer to me when Hutch was in the room and I wished I was thinking clearly enough to work her out. However, I had far too much on my mind and as long as she didn't hurt Hutch, then I guessed she was okay, and I was prepared to accept her. Heaven help her if she hurt him. I would never be too distracted or self absorbed to deal with her in that event.

I had realized that with all of these changes, I had to change too and the biggest change by far was to rely less on Hutch picking up my pieces. Hutch had other priorities now, and although I'd never again doubt my place in his life, I couldn't take advantage of that. I had to give up my right to call on him at any time. That was why I was now facing what I was, and now preparing for a battle of wills with my partner and best friend.

Since my return to the streets, Hutch's tendency to overprotect me had only increased. Unfortunately I had my own demons to battle and it would have been only too easy to lean on him and allow him to shelter me. This made me angry, more angry with myself than him, but the anger when it came out, was directed at my ever patient partner. To be real partners meant I had to provide back up for him, support him, not be totally dependent on him, and allow him to be strong for me. It simply wouldn't work if I couldn't do this, and that's why I wanted to take this assignment - alone. If I failed in this, the only one hurt would be me, and I would have to accept that it really was time to give up a job that I'd always loved. Hated sometimes, but loved mostly. That was the beauty of it to me--Hutch wasn't at risk at all, or anyone else for that matter. I'd feel guilty if anyone got hurt because of me, but it would be nothing to the devastation I'd feel if Hutch was injured because of my inability to back him up. This was the ideal solution for me--an assignment alone. Of course, it was this fact that would make it totally unacceptable to my overprotective partner. That and the fact that he was due to be married in three weeks time and I was heading off to Vegas, alone. The assignment itself wasn't going to help my case either, and I'd have to be careful what I revealed. It was sort of tempting to pack up and leave town without seeing Hutch but I couldn't do that. It wasn't fair and I've never been one to take the easy way out. I owed Hutch way too much for that and I needed and wanted to see him. I finally got to his apartment and as I parked the Torino, I braced myself for the scene.

CHAPTER 4

STARSKY

I knocked on the door hesitantly. I knew I was heading for some unpleasantness and I hoped we'd get through it quickly. Louise greeted me with a smile but somehow I didn't feel warmed by it.

"Hello, Dave. How are you?"

Although I wasn't relaxed with her, I wondered if her presence would make this harder, or easier. For the first time, I really allowed myself to wonder what was behind that smile for I realized that I really didn't know her very well. I shouldn't blame her for that since she'd come into our lives at a particularly difficult time. My thoughts to date about her had been vague notions, but I knew the day was coming when I'd have to sort out my feelings for her one way or the other.

"Fine, thanks, Louise." I entered the lion's den. Hutch came out of the kitchen grinning. He was always openly pleased to see me and, without fail, it warmed my heart, particularly when I was in one of my dark, depressive moods, which I had a lot of these days. Hutch, my partner, my best friend, my lifeline - what would I do without him? It scared the hell out of me to think what could happen.

"Where've you been, Starsk? I've been trying to call you to see if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight."

"Seein' Dobey." I really wasn't sure how to handle this.

"We weren't called in were we?" My poor Hutch wasn't going to handle this very well.

"No, "we" weren't, but he got me to come in. It seems that the Las Vegas PD need some help to solve a case and want someone to go undercover." I started to breathe deeply, to try to help keep me calm.

"What do you mean "we" weren't? Why would he get you in on your own? We don't work that way and never have. Besides, we can't be taking on any out of town work at this stage. In case you've forgotten, I'm getting married in three weeks time."

"I guess that's why he asked me to come in on my own. I've said I'd do it." I waited for the explosion.

Apart from his facial muscles tightening, Hutch remained calm.

"Let's get this straight, Starsky. You've just accepted an undercover, out of town assignment, without even talking to me? Three weeks prior to my wedding?" his voice started to get louder as the sentence wore on. Louise deciced that she'd check on dinner at this point. She always did know when to retreat. It was another aspect of her character I hadn't made up my mind about.

"I don't need your permission!" I was sharper than I intended to be, for I pretty much knew all the arguments Hutch would throw at me. I'd do the same thing, only it was vitally important to me that I do this and I had to make Hutch understand. You don't think I'd miss your wedding, blintz? I'm your best man!"

"EXACTLY! YOU ARE ALSO MY PARTNER. PARTNERS WORK TOGETHER, OR THEY'RE

SUPPOSED TO! NOT ALONE IN DIFFERENT TOWNS!" Hutch was starting to lose it now. It hadn't taken long, as I'd known it wouldn't.

"We've worked alone before...."

"NEVER in different towns, without the other one being near as back-up! For God's sake, Starsky, be sensible about this. I can't go to Las Vegas now, and risk taking an assignment that could drag on. What if it does drag on and doesn't get wrapped up quickly? You have to be at my wedding! God, I have to be at my wedding!" He started pacing and rubbing his head, trying to stay calm. "I can't be in two places at the same time!" he paused to take a deep breath. "What's the case anyway and why do they need our help?"

I grimaced. This wasn't going to get any easier, especially when Hutch found out what the case was about. How could I make this sound better than it was?

During our years in the Department, we'd dealt with many nasty cases and had certainly seen the most sordid side of life. Nothing really shocked us any more, but every now and again we got a case that was more disturbing than others. The Marcus cult fell into that category, and this particular case had signs of similar nastiness. To be honest, I was feeling a few qualms myself, not wanting to go through another Marcus nightmare. If I'd had all the details beforehand, I probably wouldn't have agreed but, in my usual

headstrong way, I'd agreed. Now I was forced to reveal what my undercover assignment was to my overprotective partner. I'd still be selective about what I told him. I had to, or he'd never let me out of the apartment. He did get carried away with the mother hen bit at times.

"There's been a string of bodies found and it looks like a serial killer. There are similarities in the way the victims were killed." I was leaving out a lot but Hutch knew this and waited for me to continue. The problem was that we could never hide things from each other. His look spoke volumes to me, and I nervously continued.

"The bodies were seven men from out of town and there's a common link to a boarding house, which is where they want to plant a cover. The Las Vegas Department figure they need someone from out of town...."

Hutch just stood there looking at me, waiting for the details that were being omitted but instead of challenging me, he asked a simple question.

"Why, Starsk, why do you want to do this?"

"'Cause it's a job and it needs doing." I had faint hope that he'd accept this.

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Hutch's voice rose again. "We're not under any obligation to

do this and frankly I'm amazed that Dobey asked you. Although not as amazed as I am at

you accepting it! Three weeks before I'm getting married. This sort of cover could go on for months so there's got to be a reason you want to do this. Even leaving my wedding out of it, we're partners, Starsk, but how am I supposed to provide back up for you when you're in Vegas. Partners don't work that way, and we certainly never have!"

I sighed, all in all this was going as well as I expected,which wasn't good.

"Hutch, it's important to me, can't we just leave it at that?" I knew I couldn't, Hutch didn't have to say a word.

"You can't protect me forever you know. I'm a cop, a damn good cop, and there's no earthly reason why I shouldn't do this. I know your wedding is close but wild horses wouldn't keep me from that, and you know it."

"Is that what this is about? Me overprotecting you?"

How could I answer that question? It was, and it wasn't. What would be the least flammatory to Hutch? I wasn't sure but I wasn't prepared to mention my fears and doubts.

"You've gotta admit you do, Hutch. But I'm fine now, really fine."

I had a moment's doubt myself.

"Physically I'm as good as I'm ever gonna be", what about emotionally, but I chose to ignore the voice in my head.

"You've gotta realize this and you've gotta let go, Blondie. You held on when I needed you to but things change and we've gotta change with 'em. I know we don't work this way but I need to do this, Hutch." I looked at him, begging him to understand what I knew he never would. How could I expect him to understand when I was struggling myself, and still hiding things from him.

HUTCH

I held on to my temper with a great deal of difficulty. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My partner was proposing taking an undercover assignment out of town, three weeks before I was due to be married. It was only the strain on his face that prevented me from grabbing him and shaking sense into him. I needed to know what was going on before I really hammered him.

I was only too aware of the fact that I was overprotecting Starsky. If I hadn't known it myself, he told me often enough, but I just couldn't help it. I'd come so damn close to losing him and I knew that I'd be

destroyed if he died. How can you live without your other half? I had no wish to find out. I knew that Starsky felt the need to prove himself again but I just wanted him safe, never to experience the sort of pain that he'd gone through because of that bastard Gunther. I wasn't even sure whether his body would be able to survive another major trauma like that. I knew I couldn't.

It was at this point that I first realized that we should have talked more about what the shooting had done to us. Not just the physical aspects, we were both more than aware of them, but the emotional aftershocks. I'd sort this out with him once and for all, but not until we got to the bottom of this ridiculous case. It was quite obvious Starsky was feeding me snippets of information and there was a lot that he wasn't saying. He almost appeared nervous and that was most uncharacteristic.

If I had to, I'd go to see Dobey but I wanted my partner to tell me what was going on. My wedding was only part of the equation. Sure I wanted him there, in fact I couldn't contemplate getting married without him being close by, but more than that, I wanted him safe. If that made me overprotective, or a mother hen type, then so be it. I'd come too close to losing him to play games. How could I get married, not knowing if he was safe or not? I couldn't, was the short answer. I could and would postpone my wedding if I had to for I'd do anything to protect him. Judging from Starsky's nervousness and obvious reluctance to fill me in on the details of the case, I suspected it was a nasty business and I didn't like it at all. If I could provide back-up for him, it would be marginally more acceptable to me but to have him fly off to Vegas, on his own, undercover and far away, was out of the question.

"Starsk, I don't want you to do this. I know you think I'm overprotective since the shooting, and I admit that I am. It was so close, Starsk, so very close. I couldn't bear to lose you, I've always known that but I see that so much clearer now. I wouldn't want you to take this case even if the shooting had never happened. Although, let's face it, you wouldn't contemplate it, if it hadn't." I tried to keep calm, tried to appeal to his better judgement. I had no idea whether it would work or not.

"Yeh but Hutch, it did happen. It changed everything and I need to know I can do this. I love ya too, ya know that, and you're right, if I hadn't been shot, we wouldn't be arguing about this as I wouldn't be interested. We've always worked as partners and I never wanted it any different. But things are different now and you've gotta let me go. Please Hutch." Starsky looked at me, begging me to understand. Unfortunately I did understand but it was still shattering to me - as much as anything, because Starsky wanted to work on his own.

After a couple of minutes of uncomfortable silence, Starsky looked away.

"Do you want to stay for dinner? The invitation is still open." I tried to make light of it and

tried to avoid answering Starsky.

"No thanks, Hutch. I've gotta be on a plane to Las Vegas in the morning and need to get myself organised. I'm also having a further briefing session with the Las Vegas cops tonight."

"I see." I was quiet as the words sunk in. "So it didn't really matter what I said then, did it? You were always going to go, whatever I said." I turned my back on Starsky, fighting for control. I

was fighting feelings of panic and wasn't sure why I had such a feeling of dread. Starsky looked directly at me.

"It always matters what you say, Hutch. I wasn't askin' your permission, just your understandin'. I need to know that you understand and that you're with me, even just in spirit."

I didn't answer, I was too busy trying to control my emotions. Starsky turned to go, looking at me sadly before he left.

I only reacted when I heard the Torino start up. Dear God, he was really going and I had let him.

I didn't even know what his cover was, or what the arrangements were, or even the full story of the case. I had known that Starsky was withholding information from me and I should have got it from him. Dammit.

Louise came out from the kitchen. She must have heard some of the angry exchange and realised that things weren't good. She walked over to me and put her arms around me.

"What is it, honey? What's going on?"

I returned the embrace and we sat on the sofa together. I gave her a brief outline of what had transpired.

"I've got to see Dobey. I need to find out what the hell is going on and what the hell he didn't tell me."

Louise kissed me. "Surely you're overreacting, darling. He's a big boy now.."

I jumped up and turned to her angrily. "How can you say that to me? You know what he's been through."

"Yes I do!" She jumped up, now angry herself. "I know it was a terrible ordeal, for both of you, but he's better now! He's not an invalid any more and he's back on the streets! They wouldn't have cleared him medically if he wasn't! You can't keep treating him like a child!"

"I DON'T!" I was beside myself with fury. I'd never got this from Louise before and assumed that she understood my relationship with Starsky.

"Yes you do! He just wants to be a cop and you hover over him like a mother lion protecting her cub! He's a tough, strong man Ken! If he wasn't, he would have died from that shooting!" I watched her, totally

stunned, not believing what I was hearing for the second time that day. We'd argued before but there was something underlying this that I realised we'd have to sort out. Later. I had to deal with Starsky first.

"Stop it! I can't deal with this now. I've got to find out what's going on and I might have to fly to Vegas."

"You wouldn't, Ken! We're getting married in three weeks and you can't traipse off." her voice trailed off. I guess my face told a story. "Fine! You go find out what's going on and let me know but I tell you this Ken

Hutchinson, if you don't get your priorities sorted out, there won't be a wedding!"

I looked at her. I know I should have been angry, and maybe even heartbroken at such a statement, but all I could see was Starsky's tired, drawn face appealing to me to understand his crisis. Maybe I did have my

priorities sorted out. At that moment, I needed to see Starsky, more than appease the woman I wanted to marry.

"Gotta go, Louise! Talk to you later!" and I stormed out.

CHAPTER 5

HUTCH

I drove over to Dobey's house. Being a Saturday afternoon, I thought he'd more likely be home than the precinct. He'd doubtless be at the briefing later on but I needed to find out more now. I was edgy and anxious to see Starsky again but I figured it made sense to get the facts first.

Dobey seemed far from surprised by my visit. As we talked, I found out the only thing that surprised him about the entire issue was Starsky's reaction and agreement to take on the assignment.

"I thought it odd, Hutchinson. Not only was he on time for the meeting, but he agreed quickly, without even hearing all the details. I thought it would be a waste of time even meeting without you, but he seemed fine and eager. I realized I had to at least pay lip service to the Vegas PD. They'd requested you or Starsky because of the good job you did several years ago, despite your antics!"

"So what's going on, Captain? Starsk was vague to say the least about details."

I saw Dobey sigh, and knew it was bad.

"If I'd known the details, I wouldn't have even bothered paying lip service to them, Hutchinson. I shouldn't say this, but I will - if this case falls flat I'm not going to cause a fuss. I don't think that Starsky is the

best man for the job. No let me finish, Hutchinson!" I guess he saw me bristling. No-one, not even our Captain was allowed to criticize my partner. That was my privilege alone and one I intended to utilize fully

when I got my hands on him again. In the meantime, I had to hear the worst, and I prepared myself.

"Don't know a lot about it myself. Except that it appears to be a serial killer of young men. The link seems to be a boarding house. They didn't tell me a lot of the details. That comes tonight at the briefing. I suppose Starsky told you about that?"

I nodded curtly. "Oh yeah, and the fact that he's getting a plane to Vegas tomorrow, despite my protests!"

"Can you blame him, Hutchinson? He's ."

"YES I CAN BLAME HIM!" I couldn't believe our Captain could defend Starsky, especially not on this occasion. "WE'RE PARTNERS! We're supposed to back each other up! How the hell can I back him up? Even if I go to Vegas.."

"That's out of the question. We can't do ANYTHING to jeopardize your partner and if you rush in half cocked, that's precisely what you'll do. Yes, you're partners but Starsky probably feels he has to prove things to himself. You and I both know he's still struggling to come back. Oh I know." Dobey silenced the protest he could see I was about to make.

"He's back to speed on the streets and doing his job but the old spark, the old cocky confidence has gone. Maybe he needs to find it again. To be honest, I never expected him to take the case. I never even expected him to turn up for the meeting and that, more than anything else, tells me something is going on with him. No." he waved me quiet again. "I'm not saying that I think he should do this, I'm not at all sure he should and I could stop him, but I'm not going to. He's a damn good cop, Hutchinson, and you and I know that. Maybe he needs to be reminded of it too. You can't go to Vegas, it's just too risky." Dobey sighed. I was far from happy, although I wasn't about to do anything to endanger Starsky and

what Dobey had said about rushing in half cocked was only too true. That could blow everything and the cost of that disaster would be far too high.

"Can I at least sit in on the briefing?"

Dobey sighed again, and I could see him bracing himself.

"No. Starsky asked that you not be there."

I wasn't surprised, but I did still feel deflated. Nothing I'd heard so far was calming to my fears and I still didn't have the details.

"I'll fill you in when I have the details tomorrow," but Dobey's words didn't comfort me at all.

I looked at him sadly. "Starsk will be on his way to Vegas tomorrow. It will be too late to stop him. Cap'n, I have a bad feeling about this." Dobey returned my look, and I could see he had his share of misgivings too.

"Cap'n - please. You must have some idea of what's going on?" I was pleading with him to talk to me.

I saw him draw in a deep breath. "The Vegas PD think that the murders are part of a satanic cult. Bizarre rituals." He stopped and didn't need to go on. I felt faint. Cults. Marcus. My God, Starsky had gone out of his mind. I remembered the state he'd been in after his ordeals at their hands and I felt sick.

"Come and see me tomorrow morning. I'll know more then, more about his cover and the details. They're playing this one close to their chest and I really don't know any more details than what I've told you. In the meantime, go home to the lovely Louise".

I left reluctantly, knowing there was little I could do. I didn't feel like going home, Louise would doubtless still be angry with me. I wasn't even sure she was wrong, but I did know that nothing could ever change what I felt for Starsky. Gillian had understood, and that was long before the Gunther attack. He was even closer to me now. I wonder sometimes whether I could have married Gillian and it was at this moment that I knew I would have married her. She'd understood "me and thee" and so had Terri. How I wished they both had lived. Starsky really needed Terri. Cults, Marcus? How could he consider taking a cover that would bring him anywhere near such lunatics? Then I realized, Starsky really needed me. He needed me to talk to him and he needed to hear the words, the words I'd always been too scared to say. Sure I'd been there for him to help with his physical recovery but I couldn't remember if I'd ever said the words, told him how much he meant to me. Logically I knew he knew, but I needed to talk to him. I wasn't going to go home to Louise, I was going to see Starsky.

STARSKY

I was very upset as I drove away from Hutch's place. I hadn't expected it to go well, and it hadn't. Hutch didn't even know all the details and he was going nuts. If he'd known that the details about the deaths, God only knows what he would have done. I shivered when I remembered Marcus and the ordeal I'd gone through with him and his goons. I wasn't looking forward to this assignment but I knew I had to do it.

As I packed my bags, I looked around my apartment at the photos of Terri, my parents, even a small photo of my brother Nick. He'd been dead now for several years and although it hurt to know he was dead, it had been inevitable that he die young. Perhaps it was the same for me. We all had to go some day and I had surely used up my nine lives. I just prayed that it would be me to go first, and not my other brother. I looked at the other photos, of my best friend and partner. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I wanted him to understand why I had to do this. Time for explanations had run out as I couldn't face another scene with him. I had several hours to spare before I was due in at the precinct and I was

wondering what to do, when the knock on my door came. Hutch.

"Starsk, we've gotta talk, no let me finish, I'm not going to scream at you!" he half grinned at me as he walked past me into my lounge.

"Although I should! Scream at you that is!"

I was puzzled by his mood but very glad that he was there. I didn't want to go off on a dangerous assignment, not without sorting things out.

"Hutch, what is it? You're not gonna talk me outta this!"

"Starsk, tell me the truth, please. Why do you want to do this?"

"I told ya."

"You think you have things to prove, buddy, but you don't. You survived and that's all that matters!"

I suddenly knew that this was it. We were going to talk about what we'd veered away from discussing before. Part of me wanted to keep hiding but I could see we needed this. Hutch needed this as much as I did, even if he hadn't realized it. I certainly owed it to him to tell him the truth, however hard it might prove to be. I sat down next to him on the sofa.

"Hutch, ya do know that I love ya? It's important to me that ya do." Hutch nodded and I made myself continue. "You and me, me and thee, has been the most important part of my life for as long as I can remember. I got shot, Hutch, I died! You were the only thing that mattered to me and you got me through those long, dismal days." this wasn't easy as I never found it easy to say what I wanted, not even to Hutch. I guess I just hoped he knew what was in my heart and most of the time he did. I looked at him and

could see that he was finding this difficult too.

"When I got better, I started thinking about hittin' the streets again. Gotta tell ya, blintz, I'm not too happy about the prospect of getting shot again!" I tried to make light of it but I could see that Hutch was hearing

what I was saying. It shouldn't surprise me, he usually did.

"The one thing that upsets me more, is you gettin' shot. Blintz, I dunno if I can do this any more." my voice broke and I felt an arm go around my shoulders. I leaned into the embrace. Hutch always made me feel safe. Even when I'd been dying from the poison which had been injected into me, his hold made me feel safe.

"I'm scared, Hutch, really scared that I can't be your partner ..." I'd said it but I had more to say and Hutch seemed to sense this.

"Everything is changin'. You're gettin' married, which is great, but I don't know what's happening to me. I'm workin' in a job that I'm not sure I can do any more. I only ever wanted to be a cop, Hutch, and when we became friends, I only wanted to be your partner. I'm scared that what I want doesn't matter, and that I can't be your partner. Partners back each other up and I'm scared I'm gonna let ya down. I need to do this assignment and if I fail, then I'll know that it is over. I can't go on like this, wonderin' if I'm going to let ya down!" The arm held me firmly and I felt Hutch sigh.

"Buddy, I wondered if it was somethin' like that, although I didn't know you had doubts about being my partner. I can't make this go away for you, all I can say is that I trust you with my life, always have and always will. I know you're scared and I'm here always. I'm scared too! Scared of losing you. I kinda know what that feels like now and I don't want to go through that again. I couldn't survive without you."

I couldn't answer. I knew what he was saying and I moved away.

"Hutch, you or I could get killed any time, any day. That's part of our job but if you were to get killed 'cause I failed ya."

"You won't fail me, Starsk. You never have! "

"I dunno, Hutch. I just dunno. I'm scared that you'll die 'cause of me and I can't live with that thought. I need to know if I can still function as a cop and this assignment is the way to do it. This is really important

to me! Please don't try to talk me out of it."

"Why is this the way to prove it? Doesn't the fact that you come on the streets with me prove it? Why? What is so different about this?"

"Aren't you listening to me? We haven't been tested yet and I don't want you.."

I made a mistake and Hutch jumped on to it.

"YOU DON'T WANT ME WHAT? You don't want me to be there?" I could see Hutch starting to understand but instead of blowing up at me, he moved over to me again and turned me around to face him.

"Starsk, babe. You're putting yourself through this alone so that there is no risk of me getting hurt. If you get hurt, and I'm not there, well... Do I have to put it into words? I was there when you did get hurt and I

thought my world had come to an end. What if you just disappear? How the hell am I supposed to deal with that? Dobey doesn't care if you don't take this job and I don't want you to. Even aside from these issues – God, Starsk! Cults! How can you go anywhere near those lunatics again? Wasn't Marcus enough?"

"Hutch, I have to. Of course I don't want to go through another Marcus nightmare and I hear what you're saying. However, I do have to do this. I don't know what my life means any more, I need to find out whether I can do the job. Please, Hutch, let me go, let me do this assignment. I'll have back up, they're arranging it in Vegas."

Hutch looked at me and through me and I could see his mind working.

"Okay, Starsk. But I AM coming to Vegas and I WILL be your back up. I don't trust anyone else to look out for you! Dobey told me I couldn't just go charging in but we can work this out. We'll go to the briefing and hear what they have to say and sort something out..."

"You're getting' married, you can't." I tried not to show the relief that was flooding me, which was more than a little ironic. I'm feel like I'm fighting for independence but still want my security blanket nearby.

Maybe that's because this is what my life is. Hutch is a part of me, as I am a part of him and we really do go together. Maybe that hadn't changed after all. We were truly partners and didn't trust anyone else to look out for the other.

"Not sure about that, Starsk. I saw a side to Louise I hadn't seen before." he waved me silent. "I was thinking before about Gillian and Terri and how they understood you and me. Not sure Louise does but I'm not going to make any decisions yet. We're going to go to Vegas and get this job done. Maybe this will make the decision for me. I love Louise, but.."

I pulled him into a hug. I really hoped that this relationship would work out for Hutch, as he really deserved to be happy. However, if it didn't, well I'd be there for him. As he was for me - always. Me and thee.

End

Continued in Changes II.


End file.
